Asking for Help, Part I

I suck at asking for help.  I suck at accepting help.  Which is completely ironic because I make my living from people who directly reach out and ask me for help.  And I spend a good portion of my time reassuring people that asking for help shows strength and wisdom, not failure or weakness.  And yet, here I was, refusing help at a time when it really would be quite reasonable and expected that I’d need help.

Two weeks ago I had fairly extensive foot surgery.  Tendons were repaired, bones were shaven, an incision which looks remarkably like the forehead scar of Frankenstein’s monster now decorates the outside of my foot.  And as a result, I have 6 weeks of non-weight-bearing.  6 weeks of raising 3 fringy kids, running a business, speaking, writing, wife-ing, and living on one foot.

I am so thankful for the invention of the knee-walker scooter-thingy so that I am not stuck with crutches, but even so, it takes a lot more effort and limbs to simply move through the home these days, and no one wants to see me make my way up or down the stairs.  I am also so thankful that the foot on injured reserve is my left foot, so I am still able to drive independently.  Loading, unloading, and transporting my scooter, purse, computer bag, and dry goods and sundries, not to mention my own broken body requires a ridiculous amount of energy and time, however.

So, you’d think I would gladly accept the offers of my family as they meet me at the van to help me unload.  But, instead, what do I say?  “No, that’s okay.  I can do it.  I have to do it by myself whenever I go to work.” 

Nothing that I say is untrue.  Yes, it is okay, whether or not they help.  Yes, I can do it on my own.  Yes, I do have to do it by myself at times.  But what do those things actually have to do with the particular moments when my husband reaches in to pull out the scooter?  At those particular moments, I have help available, so lets take advantage of it, woman!

I’m not entirely sure if this hesitation to take help is a mom-thing, a gifted thing, or particular to my own version of german-ancestry, Midwestern, raised by a pick-yourself-up-by-the-boot-straps-libertarian-style dad, gifted mom thing.  But, it certainly seems common to many people with whom I work and talk.

And, I do firmly believe there are pros and cons to everything.  So the pros of this staunch independence is that I do maintain my independence and self-efficacy.  I was about to say and my dignity, but actually, the other day when I fell over on crutches when trying to navigate a tight corridor on my own was definitely not dignified. 

The disadvantages:  I do too much, I wear myself out, I take unnecessary risks, my family gets frustrated, and, perhaps even most importantly, I rob people of the opportunity to help.  It feels good to help.  I remember getting so frustrated when my mom was recovering from a very serious surgery and illness and she refused my help.  I wanted to help.  I felt extremely helpless as she was going through treatments and healing.  I needed to do something to feel more empowered.  But, she refused, saying, “That’s okay.  I can do it.  I have to do it by myself someday.”  Sound familiar?  My response was always, “Yes, I know you can do it by yourself, but you don’t have to and I really want to help and feel useful.”

And yet, here I am robbing my family from the opportunity of helping and feeling useful in the face of my healing.  So, I am going to stop being so ridiculously stubborn and independent.  I’m going to accept help and even ask for it (gasp!).  I’m going to gladly show appreciation and, without guilt, embrace and enjoy the help I’m receiving.  And hopefully, I’m going to allow these next 6 weeks of help to trickle into my entire life moving forward.  But, I’ll probably need help remembering to do so . . .

7 Ways to Support Our Compassionate, Justice-Minded Kiddos

Look at any list of “gifted traits” and you’ll see intense emotions, sensitive, empathetic, strong sense of justice and right and wrong.  So many of our kiddos can see bigger and feel bigger and this leads to them having an acute sense of compassion and understanding of the many injustices of our world.  To help our kids move from empathetic, understanding people, to people who may actually change the world, they need our guidance.  Here are 7 steps that may help.

1.       Help them regulate their emotions.   Being aware of injustice, pain, and suffering triggers a multitude of intense emotions.  Some kids feel intense sadness or fear.  Others feel anger or hopelessness.  It is crucial that we, first and foremost, help our children identify, express, and manage these emotions.  When our bodies and minds are hijacked by emotions, our actions become ineffective.  It does not help homeless animals find care and shelter if we are overwhelmed and crying in the corner.  Angry outbursts do nothing to increase access to potable water around the world.  Of course, your children will feel these emotions.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be motivated to help.  But, they need us to teach them the skills to feel their emotions, allow space to get them out, and then productively channel this emotional energy toward solutions.

2.       Transform Guilt to Gratitude.  As children become more acutely aware of their privileges and compare their lives to the lives of less privileged people, the emotion of guilt can often be triggered.  Guilt can be a helpful emotion when it results from specific behaviors an individual has done which have been harmful.  I feel guilty when I yell at my children.  That guilt motivates me to better regulate my own emotions so I yell less often.  However, guilt is misplaced when it results from something in which we’d had no control.  Feeling guilty for missing an important meeting because you were ill is futile.  Feeling guilty that you happened to be born into a stable, middle class family serves no purpose.  Help your children transform any guilt into gratitude.  It is possible to both appreciate your own life’s advantages and understand that others do not have these same advantages.  Not only is it possible, but to be of any real help in correcting our world’s injustices, it is necessary.  Only when we appreciate our privilege can we fully use it to advocate for the underprivileged. 

3.      Listen to Them.  Kids’ voices can easily be dismissed or minimized.  Generally, because they bring up huge, complex issues at the least convenient times.  My mind was not prepared to discuss what it feels like to die with my 3 year old as I was driving through a snowstorm.  Nor was I prepared to discuss the causes of food insecurity while checking out library books.  It is far easier to give a short answer or an “I don’t know” or “You don’t have to worry about that” than it is to actually listen, validate, and engage in deep, critical thinking.  But, our kids need it.  It does little to ease their anxieties or compassion to say, “you’re too young to worry about that” or “that’s for adults to think about, you just be a kid.”  We need to actively listen to their thoughts and concerns.  We need to help them find answers to their questions.  If we quiet their voices by not listening, it won’t actually quiet their concerns.  They’ll only be left to deal with them on their own without adult guidance.  That said, it is also important to teach them the appropriate times and places to have these conversations.  So, as your child brings up homelessness while you’re on the phone, tell them they’ll have to wait, but then come back to the conversation when you’re able.

4.      Provide Reassurance.  Our kids often have amazing imaginations.  Which is great.  Until it isn’t.  Their brains can identify a real need or concern in the world, and then their imaginations can run wild with it.  They can be consumed with imagining what it’d be like to actually be homeless.  They can imagine that the world will end in 5 days due to global warming.  They can vividly picture the spread of a fatal illness and the death and destruction left in its wake.  We need to help our children rein in their imaginations and provide logical reflection to their concerns.

5.      Help them Narrow Their Focus.  A child who notices suffering will notice lots of suffering.  A child who notices injustice will see injustice of all types.  They will be concerned about healthcare and the environment and animals and race relations and housing equality and free trade and child slavery and mental health and, and, and . . .  This becomes overwhelming.  It is not only okay, but necessary, that we all choose a small amount of issues for which we will be strong advocates.  We do not have the energy, stamina, or ability to work to change every wrong that is in the world.  We have to choose our focus and trust that others will focus on the other things.  Of course, we can still take small steps to be responsible, but we must be good stewards of our energy and skills.  I will recycle, but I am not skilled or passionate enough about the environment to take it on as my “issue”.  Instead, I will focus on promoting mental health and relational well-being.  I will invest my energy and time into that and trust that others of you will be focusing on healing our environment.

6.      Help Them Define Action Steps.  Truthfully, we can feel extremely helpless when we face our larger social issues square in the eyes.  Combating childhood cancer can seem impossible.  Encouraging acceptance of neurodiversity seems daunting.  The most solid way to combat feelings of helplessness is to find a way to help.  Help your child identify their larger goal and then smaller steps they can actively do to reach that larger goal.  Think of questions or obstacles they might not have thought of and help them find solutions. 

7.      Believe in Them.  They need you to have confidence in them.  They need you to be their cheerleader.  They need you to reassure them that they are loved and worthwhile whether their solution or project is “successful” or not.  Give them the courage to go out and make a difference.  Our children are the innovators.  They are the idealistic dreamers.  And they can be the world changers.

 Looking for more ways to support your child activist?  Check out the other posts on this topic at this month's Hoagies' Gifted Blog Hop!